Laughs Online

Laughs Online

edition 1

101 Ways To Be Annoying
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch wit Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.......
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someones roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

15 Real Sayings on American?s Tombstones

1. I told you I was sick.
2. I?ll be back.
3. I?ll get you next time gadget, next time.
4. I shouldn?t have teased that elephant.
5. Here lies a simple man who died from too many complications.
6. Here lies Ian.
7. You never get me alive.
8. Ouch!!!
9. Didn?t see that one coming.
10. It wasn?t me, it was the one armed man.
11. I see dead people.
12. Heck, I know dead people.
13. That stupid computer.
14. Here comes Buster.
I knew I shouldn?t have played with that knife.

30 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
5. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
7. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
8. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
9. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
10. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
11. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
12. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
13. Meow occasionally.
14. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
15. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
16. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
17. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
18. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
19. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
20. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
21. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
22. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
23. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
24. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
25. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
27. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
28. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
29. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

40 reasons not to leave the house!!
1. Too much sun will give you skin cancer.
2. Going out would require wearing shoes, clothes, etc.
3. An icicle might fall on your head. Those things have been known to
kill, you know.
4. You have to stay home and answer the phone. What if you get a call
from one of those radio contests, or something?
5. You heard that there's a rabid kangaroo loose in the neighborhood.
6. One of those UFO's might land and you could get kidnapped by little
green men who would perform horrible experiments on you, eventually
turning you into a half-man/half-duck.
7. It's too windy. You might lose your hat.
8. You might run into your old roommate who's angry with you for having
played all those tricks on him.
9. There's Injuns in them woods.
10. You might walk into a church where there's a wedding going on, and
you're hardly dressed for the occassion.
11. If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and
inquire about the thirteen overdue books that were destroyed in the
fire.
12. If you go past the library, the librarian might recognize you and
inquire about the thirteen overdue books that weren't destroyed in
the fire.
13. There might be a flood, and you just ate, and you're supposed to
wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.
14. You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking dog.
15. You might come across a big, scary, ferocious-looking squirrel.
16. There are kids outside playing baseball, and you wouldn't want to
get beaned by a foul ball.
17. Women/men find you irresistible and you don't have a stick to fight
them off with.
18. You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen
on "America's Most Wanted."
19. You can't go out in public since your twin brother/sister was seen
on "American Gladiators."
20. There's a hole in the ozone layer letting dangerous ultra-violet
light through it and there's a greenhouse effect and, oh, never
mind. It's too cold to go out.
21. You've watched too many "Road-runner" cartoons and now you're
worried that a big rock might fall on your head, forcing you to
walk around like a human-accordion for a few minutes.
22. You can't go out. It's time to bake the donuts.
23. One of the pipes in your basement is leaking and you have to keep
your finger on it so that you won't waste water.
24. You've handcuffed yourself to the refrigerator. It happens.
25. There's a full moon tonight and you can't go out because you might
turn into a werewolf.
26. If you go cow-tipping, you might forget the difference between
"pushing" and "pulling" and the cow might fall on you and crush you.
If this happens, the cows will have you at their mercy and who
knows how they'll take their revenge.
27. You built a pillow-fort in the living room and you have to stay
home and guard it.
28. If you leave the house, Mr. Potato Head gets lonely.
29. You might walk into a hospital, get tired, lay down somewhere to
take a nap, and wake up with a baboon-liver.
30. You might accidentally step in wet cement, in which case for
hundreds of years, people will be looking at your footprint, saying,
"What idiot did this?"
31. You might sneeze, and it might happen to sound exactly like the
mating call of the giraffe, and their might be a giraffe in the
area, and then...
32. An engine might fall off an airplane and land directly in front of
you. Just as you're saying to yourself, "Gee, that was close," you
might get hit by a bus.
33. You don't have an American Express card and you're not supposed to
leave home without it.
34. You might find yourself at an airport and just, for curiosity's
sake, stick your head inside the door of the airplane and just
barely get it out before the door closes, but your tie might get
caught in the door, causing you to be dragged up into the air and
halfway across the country, choking and gagging the whole way,
until the tie finally rips in half and you plunge 50,000 feet,
eventually crashing through the roof of a barn and landing softly
in a pile of hay, but then the farmer might sue you for property
damages, and since you don't have that kind of money, you'll have
to work on his farm as an indentured servant for the next twelve
years. Well, it might happen.
35. You might get a really bad haircut and have to start wearing hats,
all the time. Then you might get a nick-name like "Hat Guy" or
"Crazy Hat Lady."
36. You might go to the park to feed breadcrumbs to the pigeons, but
then when you run out of breadcrumbs the pigeons might start a riot,
pecking out the eyes of innocent park-goers until you bring them
more bread.
37. You might lose a contact lens and blindly stumble around trying to
find it. Then you might mistake a penny for your contact lens and
put it in your eye. Then you'll wonder why everything looks like
Abe Lincoln.
38. You might buy a newspaper and find that your obituary is in it.
Since this is obviously a mistake, you'll have to spend the rest of
the day there, telling every person who buys a paper that you're
not dead.
39. You might get on an elevator with a pregnant woman, and the
elevator might get stuck, and then the woman might go into labor,
and you don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, and frankly,
the woman might not give a damn.
40. You can't leave the house because you would spend the day worrying
whether or not you left the iron on.

Classified Ads
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh
vagetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges,
the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed
to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle
with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from
the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Clever Sayings
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
-- From an article on the growth of federal regulations
In the Oct. 24th issue of National Review:
Half of the people in the world are below average.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
-- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
-- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in ``Life In Hell'' by Matt Groening
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

Creative Pizza Orders
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're
going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and
ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED,
COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master
of Puppets CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask
for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called
you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would
like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from
an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters'
Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and
say, "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay,
that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of
relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well,
so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof
that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what
it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE
at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise
him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,
Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was
I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these
be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and
didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in
Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed
by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . .
action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this
time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be
my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to
get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt
that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from
some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say,
"No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do
you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out,
won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act
embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your
time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in
your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Insurance Forms Statement
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
o Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
o The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
o I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
o I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
o A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
o I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
o In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
o I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
o I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
o As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
o To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
o My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
o An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
o The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
o I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

Jack Schitt
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: "You don't know Jack Schitt. . ." Now you'll know the rest of the story
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they had a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt.
Now you know Jack Schitt.

Technology Mistakes
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?"
- Bill Gates, 1981

"Any serious graphics applications still run better on Apple's
Macintosh platform..." - Bill Gates, 1991

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the
best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't
last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice
Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken
Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,
1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the
1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University
management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found
Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers,
1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."
-Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you
make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M
"Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we
went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'"
-Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P
interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily
in high schools."
-1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary
rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all
of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just
have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by
inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary
to Queen Victoria 1873.

The Warning Signs Of Insanity

- Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

- Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

- You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

- Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.

- You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.

- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.

- Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

- People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

- Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

- You laugh out loud during funerals.

- When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.

- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one
day seek revenge.

- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

- Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.

- You collect dead windowsill flies.

- Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

- You like cats. Especially with mayo.

- You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

- You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.

- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.

- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

- Melba toast excites you.

- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to
tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

- Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
a few minutes.

- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
or to be loved by an infectious disease.

- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.

- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

- You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

Things to do While Waiting To Connect To AOL!

Things to do While Waiting To Connect To AOL!

1.Your taxes

2.Complete your BA degree

3.Watch your hair grow

4.Finally clean your keyboard

5.Count the tiles on the ceiling 200 times

6.Think about commercials you saw during the Super Bowl

7.Scribble I HAVE NO LIFE on a notepad

8.Read War and Peace, and write a book report on it

9.Contemplate the meaning of a General Protection Fault

10.Watch your AOL stocks decrease in value

11.Become mesmerized by your screen saver

12.Organize your desk

13.Spend "Quality Time" with your hard drive

14.Plan secret mission involving AOL headquarters and several rolls of
toilet paper

15.Try to remember the words to the pledge of allegiance

16.Listen to the radio

17.Contemplate the meaning of the word "unlimited"

18.Clip your toenails

Ways to Annoy the Radio DJ

1. Call in when you know a contest _isn't_ on and say "Did I win? Did I
win?" very excitedly. Then make the deejay feel guilty when he tells you you
called at the wrong time.

2. Same as above, but do it after they already have a winner.

3. Call in and request the same song every two minutes.

4. Every time he puts you on live, call him queer. (works well on talk radio)

5. Or if he's really queer in real life, try to convince him to become straight.
Try Biblical reasons.

6. Call in and tell bad jokes and laugh hysterically. Snort.

7. Record part of the show and scramble, staticize (put static in), speed up, slow it
down, do whatever you can think of to it, then send it to the station's e-mail
address.

8. Call in responses to radio ads to the request line. Example:
You: "I'm calling to respond to Jewel-Osco's sale on feather boas. I'm sure
they'll go fast, so could you save one for me?" Act really clueless and
ask the DJ to find the store's phone number for you.

9. Call and ask for condoms.

10. If they don't play your request right away, call back and cuss them out.

11. If they respond in kind, threaten to sue.

12. Call and say that the current song offends you and ask them to please take
it off the air RIGHT NOW.

13. IF one of the prizes is from a "prize vault" ask for the most unlikely,
outrageous thing you can think of.

14. Throw a tantrum if you win a CD you didn't want that much.

15. Call in and request obscure songs.

16. Or request the last song they played.

17. Offer a bribe to the deejay after you've lost a contest.

18. Organize a protest outside the studio. Make it a subject having absolutely
nothing to do with the station.

19. Call in and act like you've fallen madly in love with the deejay.

20. Request a song completely out of the station's type of music, i.e. if it's a
rock station, request a country song. Act stunned that the deejay
never hear it. Start singing in an effort to help him recognize it.

Ways To Rid Yourself of Telemarketing

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they get try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel smiling of course...
[If nothing else, just thinking of this list the next time one calls you, you may begin to laugh out loud, which is sure to upset their concentration.

19 Things to Do in the Bathroom

1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor,
"May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that".

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say, "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor while yelling,
"Whoa! Easy Boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters."

12. Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Could you kick that back over here, please.

13. Say, "C'mon, Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna to do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your
butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dresser Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor an say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."

185 Ways to Piss off Your Roommate

Try these out on your unsuspecting roomie:

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float
up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and
grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move your roommate's personal items around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything
s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the
cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is
for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring
you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn
it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a
couple of weeks."

20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.
Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics
to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat glass.

23. Smoke ballpoint pens.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to
what you think the dog ate.

26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate
suspiciously.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a
trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find
the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before
you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a
list of grievances.

29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is
turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.
Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage
due).

36. Pray to Azlatoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then
stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so.
Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that
start with "Didja ever wonder why . . . ?" Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there
and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your
roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while
twitching violently.

43. Put horseradish in your shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.
Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and
play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains,
explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures
class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.
Close them as soon as you wake up.

51. Cry a lot.

52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's email.

53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie.
Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while
studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her
suspiciously.

54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your
eyes and giggle to yourself.

56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her
bed.

57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit
your roommate when he or she isn't home, show them the magazines.

58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do
so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your
head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were
knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for
a month.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate,
breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing,
grab a towel, and go shower too.

62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and
take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the
mail to him/her by UPS.

63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the
floor.

64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night,
act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk.
After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in
your dorm, blame your roommate.

65. Call your RA or CA whenever your roommate turns up his/her
music.

66. Follow him/her around on weekends.

67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.

71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into
him/her.

72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour.
Don't say anything, just stare.

73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was
really important but you can't remember who it was.

74. Let mice loose in his/her room.

75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't
answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their
responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain
to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

77. Skip to the bathroom.

78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard
the fort for an entire weekend.

79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a
pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful
foliage.

80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them
on when you leave.

81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where
he/she can find them.

82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up
immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk.
Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your
ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to
bed.

84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say
Jesus or God Dammit.

85. Burn incense.

86. Eat moths.

87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate.
Announce the next day that one died. Name another one after your
roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they
all die.

88. Collect Chia-Pets.

89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day,
spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you
got sick.

91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.

92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out
of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run
through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never
anything to eat.

95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate
isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until
your roommate turns around. Drink it.

96. Don't ever flush.

97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.

98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever
you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.

100. Dress in drag.

101. Be on the phone 5 hours a day with some hussy in Philly.

102. Kill a man. Keep him under your bed. Pretend he doesn't
smell.

103. Masturbate regularly a lot and without shame. Tell your
roommate you feel it should be more socially acceptable and you
are doing your part.

104. Try not washing. For a semester.

105. Spend a lot of time high.

106. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

107. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say,
"It's not funny anymore."

108. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so
often how great the book is.

109. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and
pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe
out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are
drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

110. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was
curious."

111. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
fire-safety hazards.

112. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that
you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in
about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not
a hard man to find.

113. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on
the phone.

114. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.

115. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist . . . "

116. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice
to see you again."

117. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans."
Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

118. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

119. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance"
with you every morning.

120. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the
day in bed.

121. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

122. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.
You'll be safe with me."

123. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

124. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,
"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in
the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love
the paintings.

125. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say,
"Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When
you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

126. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

127. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this
is your collection of "rare gases." Look at them often. One day,
act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having
released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out
of the room.

128. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

129. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize,
and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

130. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each
African nation.

131. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"
open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.

132. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to
take care of you any more."

133. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever
you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have
enough for that sailboat."

134. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

135. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting
like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a
message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

136. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your
roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor
and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate
walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing
about them.

137. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while
he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at
your roommate every morning.

138. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're
back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five
minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying,
"Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

139. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave
and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk
in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like they were here
again."

140. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and
kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

141. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that
you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again.
Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they
deserved it.

142. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as
soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are
Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible
nightmares.

143. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons
and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires,
explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything
more, or you'll have to face the consequences.

144. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor.
Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and
then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the
same.

145. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that
you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

146. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your
roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that
no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

147. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where
the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then
go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what
he/she is talking about.

148. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every
day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

149. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the
straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

150. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in
the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door.
Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the
plant ever again.

151. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

152. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your
roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

153. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon . . . "

154. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes
back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!"
Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your
roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore
your roommate.

155. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give
them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your
roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she
won't be here much longer."

156. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on
the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering,
"Ungrateful little . . . "

157. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you
don't know how they got there.

158. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the
room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the
pencil.

159. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to
your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to
your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your
roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time
he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"

160. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of
your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your
turn."

161. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of
the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."

162. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you."
Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember
what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!"
Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

163. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people
in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants
to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

164. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery.
Start walking backwards again.

165. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.

166. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig.
If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate
that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots
of bacon.

167. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore
the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then
say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that
you are hungry.

168. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.

169. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an
hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go
outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be
hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start
standing in front of the window again.

170. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't
belong."

171. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it
to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain
that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.

172. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If
your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get
your roommate to bring you food and water.

173. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it
with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely,
opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate,
"Psst! Is it gone?"

174. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
you normally would.

175. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited,
telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.

176. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm
sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping
up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.

177. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every
so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until
you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate
protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that any more, Murray."

178. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are
sleeping.

179. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.

180. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your
thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a
few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

181. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

182. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the
lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell,
"Okay, guys, you can come out now."

183. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells
you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A
king?"

184. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing,
doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a
lot faster with two players."

185. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to
clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

30 Things To Do In A Supermarket

1. Juggle the fruits.

2. Wedge things in all the freezer and refrigerator doors so
that they don't close all the way.

3. Buy a live lobster and set it free in the store.

4. Shake all the sodas.

5. Have shopping cart races down the aisles.

6. Talk to the fresh fish.

7. Dump the tray of food samples in your purse.

8. Pop the champagne bottles.

9. Use cantaloupes for bowling balls and pineapples for bowlings
pins and hold a bowling tournament in the aisles.

10. "Accidentally" drop a jar of pickles and walk away very,
very fast.

11. Fill a shopping cart with things like toilet paper, diapers,
and kleenex and leave it in the cereal aisle.

12. Throw a party.

13. Use a banana as a telephone and talk to your Aunt Martha.

14. Go to sleep in a shopping cart in the middle of the aisle.

15. Make race car noises as you "drive" your shopping cart up
and down the aisles.

16. Try to auction off a grapefruit.

17. When they ask you if you want "paper or plastic" reply,
"papestic please."

18. Switch the price labels on very expensive items with those
of very cheap items.

19. Play hopscotch on the tiles on the floor.

20. Tell them you are with the Department of Health and you need
to test all of their foods.

21. Get in the express line with more than ten items.

22. Try a food sample and then say in a loud voice, "This tastes
like shit!"

23. Whenever someone is blocking the aisle in front of you go
"beep beep!"

24. Buy 75 sticks of deodorant.

25. Randomly stick boxes of Midol into guys' shopping carts when
they aren't looking.

26. Ask one of the cashiers if they have any pork that is
suitable for a sacrificial offering.

27. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" very loudly while walking
around the supermarket with a shopping cart full of lamb chops.

28. Play with the pet toys.

29. Stick grapes in your mouth and spit them at people who
aren't looking. When they turn around look the other way.

30. One word: Kleptomania!

118 Things You Never Say To A Cop

1. Man, I have no idea how fast I was goin'!

2. Can you hand me your gun?

3. Care for a doughnut?

4. Whatever you do, don't search my trunk.

5. What exactly is "legally drunk"?

6. So, what's a good bribe go for around here?

7. I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.

8. Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about
best of three?

9. If I were you I'd let me go!

10. Met your quota? Happy now?

11. I want your badge number and your superior officer's name
right now!

12. You should give the ticket to my damn unreliable cruise
control.

13. Speeding is an abstract concept, don't you think?

14. If I had known you were there I would never have been going
that fast!

15. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's
no blood in my alcohol?"

16. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.

17. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

18. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer only goes to...

19. Touch him.

20. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.

21. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

22. Refer to him by his first name.

23. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

24. When he says no, cry.

25. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

26. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.

27. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.

28. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that
way.

29. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first."

30. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink
on your fingers.

31. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops!
That's the wrong name."

32. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.

33. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.

34. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't
hear you!"

35. Trip and fall into him.

36. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

37. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign
with his pen.

38. Chew on the pen, nervously.

39. Clean your ear with the pen.

40. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

41. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the
name sounded familiar...

42. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.

43. Act like you are retarded.

44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.

45. Or mumble to yourself.

46. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about,
DUDE?

47. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm... only 5 of you here
tonight...

48. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

49. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

50. Ask if he watches Cops.

51. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

52. Giggle if he did.

53. Talk to your hand.

54. Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite
Friends.

55. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

56. When he frisks you, say you missed a spot, and grin.

57. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, sir, the last cop got it.

58. Try to sell him your car.

59. Ask if you can buy his car.

60. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

61. Play with the siren.

62. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

63. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.

64. Oops... I meant OVER for dinner.

65. Ask if he ever had pu-tang.

66. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

67. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.

68. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

69. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

70. Turn your head and whistle.

71. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with
that.

72. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

73. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner,
suck your thumb, and whine.

74. Ask if you can see his gun.

75. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.

76. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

77. Tell him you like men in uniform.

78. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

79. Course I'm pissed officer, d'you think I'd drive like this if
I was sober.

80. Hey Asshole! Buckle UP!

81. Officer, if I weren't so drunk right now i'd get out of this
truck and kick your ass.

82. (After receiving a ticket) Thanks a lot, Officer Fuckhead!

83. Is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just glad to see
me.

84. I was just on my way to your sisters house.

85. Say, officer, isn't that your mom standing around on the
corner?

86. Are you just mad at me 'cause you couldn't go to college?

87. You can't do that, this isn't my car!

88. You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts?

89. I normally keep all that junk right here (pointing to the
dash board), but you see, this isn't my car, and uh, right! This
isn't my beer either!

90. I dare ya to arrest me!

91. Ha ha! I got your guu-uun! (long on gun as in a mocking tone)

92. Bet ya can't keep up with me now that your on foot! (and
drive away)

93. Can i borrow that pen? Thanks, just wanna break it so ya
can't write me up!

94. Go to hell and have a nice day! (after tearing up ticket)

95. Could ya leave me alone for a sec? I just want to finish this
beer.

96. Hey! That's my beer!

97. Leave me alone! Go eat some doughnuts or something

98. No officer! That beer is Ralph's. No, he's sitting right
there! Don't ya see him?

99. 60 mph in a 30 mph area? Could you put down 70 - I'm trying
to sell the car.

100. Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem
to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.

101. Hey, you must'a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!
Good job!

102. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.

103. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.

104. Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated?

105. Hi officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my
driver's license?

106. You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish
high school instead.

107. Bad cop! No donut!

108. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

109. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

110. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"?

111. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my
ticket.

112. So, uh, you "on the take" or what?

113. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer
yesterday only gave me a warning too!

114. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us
does.

115. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you
play with your gun when you were little?

116. Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44
magnum.

117. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty
for the video camcorder.

118. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too
dumb to work at McDonalds?

Top 20 Reasons why Chocolate is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that," has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely eat chocolate while you are driving
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your workmates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there is no need to fake it
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find
17. You can have as many types of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or old for chocolate.
19. Whine you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter, it's always good.

You Know You Are A Computer NERD If......

1. Your web page is more popular than you.
2. Your favorite sport is Tetris.
3. You know what fuzzy logic is.
4. You talk to your computer.
5. When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper
instead of Playboy.
6. You argue with your computer.
7. Your computer has its own phone line.
8. You have dreams involving your computer.
9. You try to pick up women on chat lines.
10. You can talk to a woman about your hardware and not
mean anything sexual.
11. You spend Friday nights with your computer.
12. You ask a woman for her email address instead of her
phone number.
13. You've never actually met many of your friends.
14. You remember how to use DOS.
15. You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy."
16. Only computer users can understand you.
17. Your home page is longer than your resume.
18. You've ever installed Linux.
19. You've missed the X-Files because you wanted to play
on your computer.
20. You always understand Dilbert.
21. You regularly drink Jolt cola.
22. You spend more time on the Internet than you do
sleeping.
23. You have multiple email addresses.
24. You've ever setup a LAN in your house.
25. You understood the above statement.
26. You search the Internet for computer humor.
27. Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.
28. You keep spare mouse pads.
29. You buy your computer gifts.
30. You've ever been dumped for paying too much attention
to your computer.
31. Someone mentions foreign language and you think
"Cobol".
32. You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the
original disks for.
33. You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and
you immediately remove the case.
34. You have ever called home to check on your computer.
35. You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not
because it is faster, but because it just confuses
people.
36. You've ever considered getting a tattoo of the "Intel
Inside" logo.
37. You have a pet name for your computer, but not one
for your penis.
38. You know every law about computer piracy by heart,
because you've been convicted on all of them.
39. You no longer interact with your family, you send
them email instead; in the same house.
40. You check your email before you check your answering
machine.
41. You can program the next best thing to Windows, but
you still can't get your VCR to stop flashing.
42. You have more insurance on your computer than on
your children.
43. You receive more chat requests than phone calls.
44. You stopped paying for call waiting because it kept
knocking you off-line.
45. You don't immediately go into gibbering panic when
you hear of a new computer virus.
46. You've ever emailed your assignment in to your
professor.
47. You've ever tried to see how far you can move the
mouse without turning off the screen saver.
48. You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem.
49. You call in sick to work over your computer.
50. Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus.
51. You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and HTTP
each stand for.
52. You tinker with computers at work all day, and when
you finally get off work, you rush home to tinker
with your computer.
53. You dedicate your home page to your favorite
actress in hopes that she will see it and desire to
meet you.
54. You have more than one home page.
55. The closest you ever come to having sex is
downloading nude pictures off of the Internet.
56. You have a better computer system at home than at
work.
57. You get jealous when other people use your computer.
58. You run back into your burning home to rescue your
computer, but you leave the dog.
59. You know exactly how much hard drive space you have
free, but you don't know your spouse's birthday.
60. You run Windows 95 and Windows 3.1 just because you
can.
61. You have the high score on Jezz Ball.
62. You know what word 31337 stands for.
63. You keep spare computer parts around the house.

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY
YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on
the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your
humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put
your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if
you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans
frantically search the house for the damage they think you have
caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely
nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it
perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else,
stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what
they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee,'
sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the
spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the
earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick
the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your time and
make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your
humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing
every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when
playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in
a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't
greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them
think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear
until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your
time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go
off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As
soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall
back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

18 Signs You Hired The Wrong Clown

At your kid's birthday party...

18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the
"pull my finger" trick.

17. Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.

16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most
5-year olds.

14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your
wide- screen TV.

13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb"
trick.

12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

11. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your
dachshund into other animal shapes.

10. Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned
in the joint."

9. Not exactly the PeeWee Herman impression you were expecting!

8. Wears a t-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into
his pants.

6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act
consists of showing charts and complaining about the national
deficit.

5. A sad clown is one thing--a clown who spends the entire party
with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on
acid."

3. Business cards include the phrase, "From the Mind of Stephen
King".

2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

Little Known Facts

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses
every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test
telex/twx communications)

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus
the name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great;
Hearts -Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years
later.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50
caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before
being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their
ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every
five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as
airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms
as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of
Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet
facilities for blacks and whites.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point
in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you
have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins
without being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has
ever won a Superbowl.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To
Beaver".

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the
day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
license.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms
of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the
sale of vodka.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
year.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age
of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple,
and chocolate.

49 Things To Do In A Boring Lecture!

1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.

2. Heckle the professor.

3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say
that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.

4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is
turned.

5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.

6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you
can borrow his chalk to take notes.

7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable
scientific proof.

8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled
pi.

9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the
professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say
"He knows." Pick a different person each time.

10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your
chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an
important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking
notes for you.

11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.

12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to
pass it to the professor.

13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the
class. Change clothes every time.

14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If
anyone asks, say you have Tourette's syndrome.

15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks,
say "They were out of apples."

16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous
lecture. Take notes on both.

17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity
relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".

18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of
class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and
ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.

19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the
classroom wall.

20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that
you didn't have time to eat breakfast.

21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is
your costume for the school play, and you didn't have time to
change out of it.

22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami
animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class.
Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.

23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's
desk.

24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it
hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up,
claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to
see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.

25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks
before class.

26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold
medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes
or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you
have no memory of what just happened.

27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are
to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees,
lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the
class. If the professor objects, say that the students should
have a wide range of knowledge.

28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes
from last term.

29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.

30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using
a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see
any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.

31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have
the answer to a question.

32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the
professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework
assignment for art class.

33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze,
then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes
before the professor sneezes.

34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A
substitute! All right!" Claim that the real professor said you
could have lecture outside.

35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call
the professor a copycat.

36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with
New Folgers Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a
hidden camera.

37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.

38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's
modeling clay.

39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor
doesn't know. Act angry when he/she doesn't understand you.

40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people
you joined the wrestling team. Body slam anyone who doesn't
believe you.

41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not
him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again!
NOOOOOOOOO!" then run out of them room. See how many people
follow you.

42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.

43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on
them like you would normally.

44. Two words: American Gladiators.

45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity!
Relativity! Einstein rocks!")

46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that
these trained animal shows aren't what they used to be.

47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it
every 15 minutes.

48. When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly.
Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes
before the professor stops calling on you.

49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your
desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.

13 Rules For Surviving A Horror Movie

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check
to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.

4. Never accept invitations from strangers, especially
individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no
contact with society.

5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to
Hell.

6. If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that
it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value
your life.

7. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

8. No sex, beer or partying! Any of these activities will surely
seal your fate.

9. If you find a town which is deserted, it's probably for a
reason. Take the hint and stay away.

10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you're doing.

11. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog,
the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

12. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.

13. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
device made from deceased companions.

The Top 16 Problems On Hanson's Tour

16. Nightly argument over which Olsen Twin to dedicate a song to.
15. No encores until all vegetables are eaten.
14. Non-stop, "Are we there yet?" coming from back of the tour bus.
13. Pleading phone calls from recently-unemployed Sammy Hagar.
12. Lawsuit-happy paparazzi keep tripping on skateboards.
11. Typo on posters results in swastika-foreheaded audience screaming
for "Helter Skelter."
10. Stage diving banned thanks to the NAMBLA contingent in the first
three rows.
9. "Listen up, people. We have a problem, man-don't eat the Orange
Pixie stix."
8. Purple dinosaur in mosh pit always gets drunk and tries to climb
onstage.
7. Instead of weed and coke backstage, all they get is Cookie Crisp
and Fruit Roll-Ups.
6. Mmm..... Zits.
5. It's hard to have a kickass after-concert party when your groupies
have to be home by 9:30 and their moms are all waiting outside in
the Vanagon.
4. Zach refuses to leave Vegas without his favorite hooker.
3. Menudo shows up, ready to kick some white teen ass.
2. Nobody can hold a note, much less an instrument, after the "Drugs
On Tour" talk with Oasis.

and the Number 1 Problem on Hanson's Tour...

1. Hotel maid wants big bucks or she's going to Hard Copy with that
little bed-wetting problem.

Before Starting A Rock Band...

Before starting a rock band, you should know that the
following names are taken:

[ a ]
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Apocalypse Hoboken
Armageddon Dildos

[ b ]
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band Over
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Barbara's Bush
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
The Boxing Ghandis
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Breakfast in Beruit
Bulimia Banquet
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators

[ c ]
Caltransvestites
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Carnage Asada
Cindy Brady's Lisp
Cortizone 5
Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
The Dead Sea Squirrels
The Dead Kennedys
The Dick Clarks
The Dick Nixons
Dicky Retardo
Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
e. coli
Edith Head
Electric Prostates
Elvis Hitler
Ethyl Merman

[ f ]
Fearless Iranians From Hell
Fields of Shit
'57 Lesbian
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
The French are from Hell
Fromage d'Amour

[ g ]
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Gonoreagan

[ h ]
Headless Marines
Hell Camino
Herpes Cineplex
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler's Bikini
HIV and the Positives
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Hornets Attack Victor Mature

[ i ]
Impaled Nazarenes
Inhale Mary

[ j ]
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah's Wetness
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
JFKFC
Jonestown Punch

[ k ]
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kerrigan's Knees

[ l ]
Lack of Afro
Lawn Piranhas
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Lesbian Ninjas
Louder Than God

[ m ]
Mao Tse Helen
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Max Roach and the Holders
Minnie Pearl's Jam
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Mussolini Headkick
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

[ n ]
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Nervous Christians and the Lions
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]
Pabst Smear
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
Penis DeMilo
Pepto Dismal
Phenobarbidols
Phlegm Fatale
Poultry in Motion
Pretentious Flamedogs
The Pro-Midget Mafia
Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
Psycho Sluts from Hell
Pungent Frustration
Purple Headed Love Warriors

[ r ]
Raging Pimps of Doom
Rectal Nightmare
Reluctant Stereotypes
Reserectum
Results of Inbreeding
Retarted Elf
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Screaming Headless Torsos
Screaming Iguanas of Love
Screaming Moist Accountants
Septic Death
Seven Year Bitch
The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
Skeptic Tank
Smegma & the Nuns
Smorgasborgnine
Solosex
The Sound of Munich
Spastic Colon
The Sphinctones
Stiff Richards
Stukas Over Bedrock
Swingin' Johnsons

[ t ]
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
The Telephony Bandits of Doom
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Testostertones
The Texas Nazis
Thank God We're Immortal
They Tried To Frame OJ
To Live and Shave in LA
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Tragic Mulatto
Transsexual Hitler
Trotsky Icepick

[ u ]
Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
Unstoppable Kamikaze Iditos

[ v ]
Vaginal Davis
The Velcro Pygmies
Vic Morrow's Head

[ w ]
The Well Hungarians
Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]
Yoko Homo

[ z ]
Zip Code Rapists
Zombies Under Stress
Zulu Leprechauns

edition 2

edition 2 is almost complete, so check back soon.

My email: [email protected]

If you have a joke or a list joke that may be helpful in the making of edition 2, send it to us.

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